saw Cold Mountain tonight...civil war and all that...the female characters possessed the most fortitude...made me think about the value shift amongst people...but am not going to rant at the obvious...have been searching my apartment for a week...trying to find something REAL to read...I'm tired of taking in material of a completely dark nature...need a relatively modern masterpiece to supplement my writings...for one who considers himself to be a writer...i'm remarkably un-prolific...maybe 3 solid pieces a year...maybe...when i talk one would think that i have volumes of work...but in reality there is little that hasn't been scoured and discarded by my fascistic self-criticism...i keep telling myself that this process will change...i am 25...there is little that will change from here on in...am hoping for a miraculous scientific breakthrough regarding bi-polar disorder...but fuck it...it is my defining struggle...there have been many (too many) greater than me that have slugged through...life is a goddamned fist-fight...(testosterone)...living in Toronto has softened me I suppose...in the more rural regions of the province you "put up or shut up" or however the saying goes...how trite...am a little full of cliche...but that is to be expected considering my recent brush with hollywood...got to get the band going before the idea fades into my id...have some new ideas...but little motivation...pull off the scabs and all you find is a pristine copy of your afflicted self...and i am in a world of silent verbs....